The toughest part of developing boundaries is figuring out how to apply the principles in your day-to-day life. Having a clear, step-by-step process speeds up your ability to put the principles into practice.
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The step-by-step process I’m about to teach you assumes you have a working knowledge of the basic concepts involved. If you’re new to the concept of boundaries, or you want a brief refresher, you’ll first want to read my previous posts in the BOUNDARY BASICS series.
If you’ve read those posts you have a basic understanding about what boundaries are and how God created limits in the very fabric of Creation. You know what God has given you stewardship over and you know the difference between that load and a legitimate burden. You also discovered the four most common types of boundary problems.
Now you’ll learn how to take those principles and apply the seven steps to resolve your particular limit-setting challenges.
The 7 Steps to Solving Your Boundary Problems
These seven steps will help you have happier, less stressful relationships.
Step 1. Recognize You Have A Problem
Your emotions and physiological reactions are God-designed boundary violation detectors! Pay attention to them. When you experience the following emotions they may be symptoms of a boundary problem.
Watch out for emotions such as:
- resentment
- shame
- anger
- fear
Consciously acknowledge the problem and how it makes you feel. What specific behavior and choices of you or the other person(s) involved negatively impact your life? What are the negative impacts of those actions and choices?
Step 2. Clarify what you are responsible FOR and who you are responsible TO.
This allows you to decide what must change so the loads involved are being carried by the appropriate person. It will also help you evaluate if the parties involved are being responsible to each other.
Reflect on what God designed you to exercise responsibility for (your thoughts, feelings, talents, attitudes, beliefs, actions, desires, values, limits, choices and how you express and receive love). Clarity about what is yours to manage and what belongs to someone else will help you know where to draw the boundary lines.
Step 3. Identify the type of boundary problem you have and the underlying need associated with it.
Boundary problems arise when someone tries to meet genuine needs using disingenuous means. Figuring out what type of boundary problem you’re dealing with provides clarity as to the underlying need involved. By identifying the problems associated with the current attempt to meet that need, you can discover what must change for the need to be met in a healthy way.
Step 4. Define problem-solving, need-meeting limits and consequences.
You can’t make someone else feel, think, or do something. But you can determine what you will accept and what you won’t. Clearly defined consequences give our limits integrity and protect us from the impact of the choices and behavior of others.
Consequences help the boundary transgressor learn to carry his or her load and respect the right of others to carry and manage their own loads. Reaping the results of their choices also helps the boundary-challenged individual learn to exercise appropriate relational responsibility to the other people in their lives.
Step 5. Enlist a support network.
I bet you have people in your life who seem immune to these kinds of boundary problems. They can easily say no when they want or need to and thus aren’t frazzled and over-committed. They have rewarding and genuine relationships with others. Enlist some people like that to coach you as you develop your boundary setting skills.
If you are not able to enlist friends or family members to assist you, or if you want to supplement their input, check to see if there are classes or support groups available in your area. A life coach could also be a good resource.
Of course, talk to your pastor who can not only provide you with wise counsel but also spiritual encouragement as well. And if your boundary problems are seriously disrupting your life and relationships, seek out a qualified Christian counselor.
Your support network will encourage, affirm, caution, and coach you as you practice your new skills.
Step 6. Communicate the boundary and consequences to the person with whom you have a problem.
This is not the time to go into attack mode. Rather, you simply provide awareness and information to the other person which equips them to make an informed choice as to how they will respond.
Don’t expect people to read your mind or pick up on subtle hints! Be direct, honest, and clear. Use statements that begin with “I” plus a verb. For example, “I think” or “I feel.” This helps you own what you’re responsible for and define what needs to change in the situation.
Step 7. Respond and follow through.
Without this final step, you won’t have a lasting solution to your problem.
Remember, the person with whom you set the boundary is free to choose whether or not to respect your limits. If they choose to violate the limit, they also choose to experience the consequence you clearly communicated would result.
Promises to change without accompanying changes in behavior don’t count. (That goes for you as well as the other person!) Don’t define a consequence you are not willing to follow through on. If you don’t consistently provide the consequence, you train the person to ignoring your limit! This is not a lack of grace. It is a biblical balance of truth and grace.
The Results of Implementing the Process
In most cases, these steps will lead to healthier and more mutually satisfying relationships. However, in some cases, someone may choose to let the relationship suffer by refusing to respect your limits.
If they persist in doing so, it reveals a lack of a genuine relationship. Acknowledge that, grieve your loss (of the relationship you thought you had), and move on to develop healthy relationships with people who respect and live out good boundaries.
Need a Good Boundary-setting Coach?
If you need some coaching in this area, I’d love to offer you a free session. If you struggle with boundaries, particularly saying no, book a Say Yes to Saying No coaching consultation and let’s build on this good start!
If you have the desire, drive, and commitment, I can equip you with the principles, tools, and support you need to solve your boundary problems and enjoy thriving relationships and a balanced schedule. Book your free session today. Spots are limited so grab yours before they are filled.
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