A boundary is a limit which makes a distinction between what is me and mine versus what is you and yours.
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So my feelings, thoughts, body, physical possessions, emotions, manner of relating with others, beliefs, values, and how I relate with God are my responsibility. These are the areas over which God has given me stewardship.
Your feelings, thoughts, body, physical possessions, emotions, manner of relating with others, beliefs, values and how you relate with God are yours to manage.
Paul described this as the load God designed us to carry. Part of that load is how we relate with others. As Christians, we are called to love others as Christ loves us. So we are willing to help carry one another’s burdens.
A burden differs from our normal load. A burden exceeds our capacity to handle it on our own. We are unable to manage a burden for long without assistance. Notice the key word there is unable as opposed to unwilling.
If we are able to manage but unwilling to do so, that is not a burden; it is irresponsibility.
Unfortunately, many of us are not clear on the “me/mine” versus “you/yours” concept. We mistake loads for burdens and are hazy about who is supposed to carry what when. This cloudy perspective leads to boundary problems.
Common Types of Boundary Problems
There are essentially four categories of boundary dilemmas that wreak havoc in our lives.
Generally, we tend to struggle more with one type than another. However, you may find you have one sort of issue in one area of your life and another in a different area.
Your challenges may also change depending on the people involved.
And it is also possible to have a combination of these quandaries.
For now, let’s just get familiar with the four broad types of boundary troubles.
1. People-Pleasing Compliance Problem
This type of problem happens when someone is afraid to say no when appropriate.
They may fear:
- hurting people’s feelings,
- being abandoned, shamed, or punished,
- or they may fear being labeled selfish, bad, or unchristian.
Problems will result if you don’t say no when someone seeks to control what is yours or when someone tries to shirk their load onto your back.
Check your motivation for saying yes. If it is fear, you likely have a compliance problem.
2. Bulldozing Control Problem
The flip-side of a compliance problem is a control problem. The bulldozing controller pushes her load off on others or tries to control what other people do with their own loads.
Whereas the compliant person has a problem with saying no, the controlling person has a problem hearing no.
Controllers are experienced by others as either aggressive bullies or sly manipulators.
The controller’s relationships are built on fear not love. At some level, she knows that and so she feels isolated and unloved. And that’s why this behavior is a problem for the controller as well as the people she tries to control.
3. Wall Building Avoidance Problem
With this type of problem the person has difficulty requesting help with her burdens.
Boundaries are supposed to be like the yellow lines that define which lane of a roadway is mine and which is yours. They adapt according to the situation.
When necessary to move into the other lane (and when it is safe to do so), the lines are dotted.
When it could be dangerous to do so, they are solid, double yellow stripes, right?
And if we have big problems, we can even move off onto the shoulder to get help.
Well, the person who has a wall-building avoidance problem, erects concrete barriers on both sides of her lane. The walls keep her trapped in her lane bogged down behind overwhelming needs and unable to move out of the jam to get help.
Bottom – line, people with an avoidance problem insist upon carrying their burden as if it were a normal load.
4. Callous Non-responsive Problem
The final type of boundary problem occurs when someone is callously non-responsive to the legitimate needs of others.
While the person with a wall-building avoidance problem builds walls that prevent her from asking for help with valid needs, the non-responsive person builds walls so they can’t respond to the requests of others.
Callous disregard can manifest as either:
- harsh criticism of others who express normal needs
- self-absorption to point of not hearing or being aware of the needs of others.
This callous unwillingness to respond is different from being unable to respond.
There will be times when someone has a legitimate need, but we lack the capacity to help without capsizing our own ship.
Lovingly acknowledging the legitimacy of their need and communicating our inability to help is very different from slamming a door in their face.
What Now?
If you have a boundary problem, stay tuned for the next post in in this BOUNDARY BASICS series. I provide a Seven Step Process for Solving Your Boundary Problems.
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